Oh, Don't Get Your Knickers In a Twist: An Explanation.

I made a bumper sticker on www.makestickers.com. It reads: "My honor student boiled and ate your labrador retriever, and bound his manifesto with its skin."

I made this sticker in response to a sticker on the vehicle of a woman at my office. Her sticker says, 'My labrador retriever is smarter than your honor student.' I was offended. I parked next to her a couple of weeks ago, and spent a day fuming about it. How can you say your dog is smarter than my kid? My kid is eight and reads on a 7th-grade level! He read at a third-grade level at the age of 5. My kid doesn't shit in the yard, nor does he lick his own butthole (He does, however, bite his toenails which is almost as gross.) My kid has opposable thumbs, for chrissakes'! My kid beat Zelda: Ocarina of Time!! Can your dumb dog do that?

Has your dog memorized any dialogue from Monty Python, 'Better Off Dead,' or 'It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!' lately? Both of my sons have. My son could recite dialogue from 'James and the Giant Peach,' 'Nightmare Before Christmas,' and 'Oliver!' at the age of 2. He could even knew the choreography. Can your dog do that?

So I got to thinking about who beat whom, in evolutionary terms, and I decided that when it came down to it, my honor student could EAT her stupid dog and use all the offal for various and sundry art projects.
And that's the saga of the labrador sticker. Judging from the looks I see on people's faces when they read it, it's slightly offensive.

Tough tits! That was my intention, and now I like to seek out the labrador lady and park next to her. I hope she's just as offended by my statement as I am by hers.