Brilliant Scheme, Ridiculous Conversation

Brilliant Scheme, Ridiculous Conversation


**Note: Fat Bob's voice is a lot like Neil off "The Young Ones." Bear this in mind for Fat Bob's dialogue, because it's SO much funnier that way. If you've never seen "The Young Ones." go jump in front of a speeding bus.

The General, his missus, and I have concocted a brilliant scheme by which we will become ridiculously wealthy. I will write a children's book based upn the cartoon-y characters that Missus General draws. Kids will love it, and eventually I'll be living in a castle like JK Rowling, rolling about in piles of money and cackling. It'll be great.

I won't divulge the details of the book, but I will say this: I decided we need a peripheral character called Lizzard. He wears red lipstick, carries a handbag, and shows up here and there to deliver some kind of important information to the main characters. He never completes a message, though, because he's constantly chased off by a giant swarm of angry bees. The General agrees that this character must be included, although most of our audience won't get the joke.

"What if Eddie sues us?" I wondered.

The General says he doesn't think he would. Just to be safe, though, it's decided that should this book ever be published, we ought to contact his management ahead of time and see if there would be any objections.

"That way we can add an extra 'z' to the name and make the bees gnats instead," I say.

The General and I had a conversation a while back in which it was determined that Robert Smith inks lipstick when frightened, like a squid. This evolved from a discussion about what one would say to a particular celebrity, if one should bump in to him/her. For example, if I ever run in to Gene Simmons, I'd say "Dude! You smell like borscht!" If I ran in to Robert Smith, I'd say "Will you wash off that lipstick and comb your hair, for Chrissakes?? You're FIFTY!!!" It all ends badly, with me chasing Fat Bob through an airport, knocking him down, wiping off his lipstick with a spitty Kleenex and stealing his floppy socks. "Help," he'd cry. "That guhl stole moi SOCKS!!"

Then he'd ink.

Today we decided to have the characters in the book take a trip to the seaside just so they can meet a squid called Fat Bob. He'll have high tops, floppy socks on all of his legs, and ink lip gloss when frightened. "Oh, no! Oi've INKED!" he'll say in a most dreary way.

The General says, "What if we publish the book without asking permission, and Eddie calls you up to yell at you because he hates it?"

I thought about this a moment, and said that I'd be so totally star-struck, once I realized who it was, that I'd wet my pants and then pass out. It'd end up with my son picking up the phone and saying, "Mommy will have to call you back; once she comes to, she'll need to change her underwear."

Then Eddie might call the General, and The General would go, "Very funny, Babs...get the hell off my phone! Nice impression of Eddie, by the way." Click.

He'd be totally pissed. "I called the author and she wet her pants and passed out! I tried to call the illustrator, but her husband called me 'Babs,' complimented my impersonation of myself, and hung up on me!" Then he'd definitely sue us.

We wondered if both Eddie AND Fat Bob would try to sue us; what would that meeting in the lawyer's office be like? Fat Bob steals Eddie's lipstick, and they get in to a fistfight. Except Fat Bob just crawls under a table and cries, because Eddie's so much more butch, and Fat Bob would be frightened. Nothing would be accomplished at this meeting, because of the fighting and the fact that the General would laugh himself in to an aneurism, and I'd do the star-struck wet-pants unconscious thing.

Therefore, we'd need to take it up on the Maury show.

"Eddie'd throw his shoe at you!" crowed the General.

I said I'd prefer that he hit me with a chair. "Mmmmm...I hope he's wearing a skirt at the time."

The General: "Eeeew. Stop that."

The whole feud would actually be a ruse for the sake of publicity, though. It'd end up with Eddie hanging around my castle's drawbridge, yelling "I've got some ideas for the next book!" and me up in a turret with a pump-action shotgun going, "Go away, we've already got one!!"