Saturday, October 17, 2009

In Memoriam.

I was driving home from work the other day, through the ghetto, and the car in front of me is covered in decals. There's a die-cut decal on the back window that reads "In Loving Memory (name of thug here) R.I.P. (thug's nickname, thugs dates of birth/death."  I've seen these things before, and I think they're silly. These people were over the top, though; they had a massive decal on the trunk with a picture of the thug on it. Great big stupid ball hat, massive white t-shirt, sagging baggy pants, gawdy gold jewelry, and a sullen expression.

"Wow," I said to myself, "that is classy!"

I decided that when I go, I'm going the tacky route, too. I want all my friends to put giant memorial decals on the backs of their cars. I want the "In Memoriam" decal on the back window, a photo sticker on the bumper, and then possibly some magnets. Particularly if I should expire of some specific disease. "Support Aspartame Poisoning Awareness in Memory of Babs!!"

I want my magnet ribbons to be pink and black, please. If my malady should involve the removal of some kind of abnormal growth, I want pictures taken of the growth, and then I want big red 'NO' symbols superimposed over the photo and then made in to car magnets.

"Why stop there?" I said to myself. I want a moon bounce at my funeral, please. And a cotton candy machine, and clowns. In fact, I want the clowns as pall bearers; I want the clowns to carry me out in my box and stuff me in their clown car. Then I want all the clowns to pile in after me, and drive of tossing confetti out the window and honking their horn. aWOOOgah, it will say.

I want silly string and streamers tossed in the hole, rather than the customary fistfull of dirt. The flowers should squirt. Once the hole is filled in, please surround my stone with mylar balloons, garden flags, wind socks, pinwheels, and solar-powered light-up statuary. A garden gnome, perhaps; see if you can find one that is mooning or picking its nose. Lots of stuffed animals, too, because nothing says "I miss this dead lady" like a pile of moldy Beanie Babies.

If I go out in a road accident, please, please build me a giant tacky road-side memorial. Use lots of things that don't hold up well to the elements, like signs made with posterboard and magic marker, cheap silk flowers, balloons, and more stuffed animals. Make me a cross from popsicle sticks and Elmer's glue. Stick a polaroid of me in the middle of it, and some of those religious candles from Dollar Tree.

Finally, I want at least one person to go get my name tattooed on themselves somewhere. Preferably the neck, because nothing says "grace and dignity" like a neck tattoo. Having my face tattooed somewhere would be a nice touch, too, but I'm really pulling for my name and dates on the back of someone's neck. Hopefully a heavier individual, so that my information is partially obscured by rolls of neck fat.

No comments:

Post a Comment