High Dudgeon

Evidently Mike Seaver has a stick up his ass. Mr. Seaver, star of an old sitcom and a boatload of shitty Christian movies, has decided to single-handedly take on those pesky Darwinists by publishing an annotated version of Origin of the Species where he explains Hitler's connection to the theory of evolution and discusses Mr. Darwin's racism and misogyny.



Mike Seaver is a douchebag; of course, he's an evangelical Christian, and they're all pretty much douchebags. Their confrontational, self-righteous style of "winning souls for Jesus" is a case-study in inefficiency, to say the least. I can say this because I walked among them for many years, and I found them to be pompous, self-righteous dimwits who never quite managed to conceal the pleasure they received from telling someone they were going to hell.


They talk about hell a lot, and they talk about the stuff that causes a person to end up there. They like to talk about how right they are and how wrong you are. They like to tell you, especially if you have the misfortune of being a child in their charge, what a steaming piece of shit you are. They don't say "steaming piece of shit," but that's what they mean.


The principal of the horrid school I attended liked to quote that bit out of the Bible that said "Your righteousness is as filthy rags before the LORD." I think it means that the best you can do is never good enough for God, and then I think it goes on to say that He loves you anyway. In our little world, it meant that nothing you did was good enough, ever. For anyone. Any good grade, anything you created or did or said, this bloated Texan asswipe would just say, "Filthy rags."


I could go on and on and on about detentions I received for not dancing in chapel services or refusing to pretend to speak in tongues or forgetting to take the "Houses of the Holy" badge of my jacket and wearing it to school. I could talk about the paddlings I received for questionable spelling sentences, and how the shitassed Texan like to sit us in his office and try to make us cry by forcing us to talk about things he knew upset us.


"Your dad and your brother aren't saved, and they're going to go to hell. Don't you think you ought to try and do something about that instead of just sitting there, letting it happen?"


I got in to one of those retarded internet arguments about stupid Mike Seaver and his stupid Creationist book. Someone said that he was just trying to spread the word of Jesus, and it was about love. Love? Spread the word?


I recall that the Gospels do say to spread the word. Christ says "Feed my lambs," something to be done physically and spiritually. He says to keep the commandments and obey the word of the LORD. He illustrated that one should be kind to the dregs of society, and He illustrated, by plucking the ear of corn on the Sabbath because he was hungry, that maybe we ought not be so uptight about rules.


I don't remember Him advising anyone to dabble in politics; He said "you are in the world, but you are not OF the world." There's nothing there that tells me Christians should get to make the rules or be quite so worried about lawmaking. I don't think He said to get in people's faces, or to make them feel like shit. I don't remember any instruction to go around yelling at people about how they're going to burn, as Mike Seaver is wont to do.


Pointing out that Mr. Seaver and his contemporaries are a great big pile of steaming, dripping evil douchebags who give the faith a bad name makes me anti-Christian. Any first-year Comm major can tell you that the fundamental principle of communication is not just to send the message you want to send, but to ensure that your audience is receiving that message as you intend it to be received.


Perhaps Mr. Seaver and others of his ilk should stop shouting about being persecuted for their beliefs and start thinking about how their message is received. Perhaps they could regroup, reassess their methods, and start sharing their faith in a way that was not divisive or inflammatory. It's possible that their intent really is to share the love and joy of their faith, but this cannot be conveyed by shouting at people and pissing them off.