Once upon a time, there was a leprachaun named Cookies. Cookies had a special Magic Hat, and she loved it with all of her little green heart.
Cookies’ Hat was very old, and very magic. It was decorated with all manner of trinkets and baubles, and had been given to her by her dear old elven Granny when she was just a wee bit of a leprachaun still making green wee in her wee green nappies.
Cookies wore her Magic Hat only one day in the year, and that was on St. Patrick’s Day. On that day, Cookies dressed in her finest green suit with her best green jewelry and her best green shoes, and donned the Magic Hat.
Cookies’ magic Magic Hat her extra-special magical powers, and when she wore it she could run faster, jump higher, sing louder, and drink more green beer than any little green leprachaun ever has throughout all time.
All the year long, Cookies longed for that special day when she could don her Magic Hat once more. One St. Patrick’s morn, Cookies jumped from her wee green bed with glee.
“Hurrah!” she shouted. “ ‘Tis St. Patrick’s Day today, and I can once again wear me Magic Hat!!”
Cookies took the special key from the special box atop the special bureau, and ran to where her Magic Hat was kept. She slid the golden box from behind the wee green toilet in to which she passed her green wee. She placed the key in the lock and turned, turned, turned the key until the lock clicked.
She opened the lid of the box, slowly opened the lid…
“Ah, begorrah!!” shrieked Cookies. “Some wank has gone and stolen me Magic Hat!!! Pogue mahone, to be sure!!!” Cookies threw herself upon the cold green lavatory floor and began to weep.
Just then Cookies’ best friend Poo the Druid knocked on the door. “Ah, Cookies! Come out and show us your wonderful Magic Hat, why don’t you??” he called.
“Oh, Poo, sweet friend Poo,” Cookies wailed as she flung open the door to her wee green house. “Some wicked person has gone and stolen me Magic Hat!! Oh, Poo!! Whatever shall I do???”
Poo sat on a stump to think, because that is what Druids do when they are perplexed. After a bit, he said,
“I think I know the scoundrel what stole your Magic Hat, my dear Cookies,” he said. “But I cannot tell you until you tell me that I am pretty.”
Druids are clever and wise, but they are also very vain and very insecure, and need constant reassurance.
“Oh, clever Poo”, cried Cookies, clapping her hands with delight, “of COURSE I shall tell you that you are pretty!! Why, you are the prettiest Poo on this wee green island! You are the prettiest Poo in the whole wide WORLD!!”
This pleased Poo the Druid, so he said, “I’m afraid, sweet Cookies, that your Magic Hat has been taken by the Evil Bear.”
“Oh, dear,” moaned Cookies. “I shall never be able to get me lovely Magic Hat back from Evil Bear, for he is so wicked and diabolical!!”
Evil Bear lived in a cave in the heart of the forest, and he did not like anyone. He did not like Cookies, or her Granny, or Poo the Druid, or anyone else on the island, or even in the world. Everyone was so afraid of Evil Bear!!
Poo the Druid said, “Cookies, you must be a brave little leprachaun, and you must journey to the center of the forest and get your hat back from Evil Bear! If you do not, he will surely do something rude and horrible in your hat!”
“Oh, no,” cried Cookies. “Not that!! Not in my Magic Hat!!”
“That’s right,”said Poo gravely. “If Evil Bear befouls your Magic Hat, then it will no longer be Magic. It will be ruined and nasty FOREVER!!”
“However shall I get it back?” asked Cookies.
Poo pulled a Magic Stick from the folds of his robes. “Take this Magic Stick to Evil Bear’s lair,” he said.
“You must stand at the mouth of the cave and shout, ‘Evil Bear, I have a surprise for you!’ When Evil Bear comes out of the cave, poke him twice with the Magic Stick. This will confuse him, and then you can run in and grab your Magic Hat.”
“Oh, THANK you, Poo,” said Cookies. “I will go right away!!”
Cookies walked in to the forest, and after a day and a night, she reached Evil Bear’s cave. She stood at the mouth of the cave, clutching lovely Poo’s Magic Stick in her wee trembling hand.
“Evil Bear, Evil Bear, I’ve got a surprise for you,” she called. Evil Bear lumbered out from his cave, wearing a cross expression and little else. “What do you want, you horrid little leprachaun?” he growled.
Cookies shut her eyes, took a deep breath, and poked Evil Bear twice with Poo’s Magic Stick.
She waited a moment, and then opened her eyes. Evil Bear was still standing there, but he did not looke confused. He looked angry. “What the hell do you call that??” he growled.
“I came for me Magic Hat,” said Cookies in a small voice.
“I haven’t got your stupid hat,” growled Evil Bear.
“But lovely old Poo the Druid told me that you took it,” cried Cookies.
Evil Bear sighed loudly and rolled his eyes. “What would I want with your stupid hat?”he bellowed. “Do I look retarded??”
Just then, Poo the Druid flew overhead on his broomstick. Atop his head was perched….
COOKIES’ MAGIC HAT!!
“Oh, POO,” shouted Cookies, “wherever did you find me hat!?”
Poo laughed as he soared overhead. “I took your blasted hat, and now I am MAGIC,” he cried. “Now everyone must tell me I am pretty for ever and ever and ever!! Ah- HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!!!!!”
He swooped downwards as he laughed, and smacked head first right in to a tree. Poo’s head shattered like a rotten Halloween pumpkin, and the Magic Hat was torn to bits.
“Oh, woe is me,”cried Cookies. “Thieving Poo has crashed his broom!”
Evil Bear sighed in a most irritated way, and cut Cookies in to ribbons with one swipe of his giant paw. Then he fed her meat to his dog, and made a very nice necklace from her bones.