Saturday, February 28, 2015

Found Whilst Cleaning: Impulse Control

I was searching through the piles of little papers on my desk, trying to locate the login information for the Facebook page under a pseudonym that I forget to maintain. I found this, written on a piece of notebook paper.

A list, in no special order, of impulses I am currently working very hard to control.
  • urge to hit someone with a chair
  • urge to push someone down the stairs
  • urge to say to someone, "That haircut is STUPID."
    • related: urge to tell co-worker that her new 'do makes her look 10 years older, in addition to being stupid.
  • purple nurples
  • urge to go, "Duh da de derp de derp da dope de dope..." while someone is speaking.
  • assorted namecalling and slurs:
    • doucher, fuckwit, douchebag, asshat, cuntbag, fucktard, quivering pile of douche, faggot, fuckface, bootlip, Hootie, and shouting 'Run, Trayvon....RUN!!"
  • urge to punctuate statement with flatulence
  • urge to quote Bible verses at people
  • urge to tell someone, regarding an ill-behaved child: "Put that thing on a leash!"
  • urge to kick small dogs
  • urge to end sentences with "SELAH", or "So mote it be."

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