Found Whilst Cleaning: Impulse Control

I was searching through the piles of little papers on my desk, trying to locate the login information for the Facebook page under a pseudonym that I forget to maintain. I found this, written on a piece of notebook paper.

IMPULSE CONTROL
A list, in no special order, of impulses I am currently working very hard to control.

• urge to hit someone with a chair
• urge to push someone down the stairs
• urge to say to someone, "That haircut is STUPID."
• related: urge to tell co-worker that her new 'do makes her look 10 years older, in addition to being stupid.
• purple nurples
• urge to go, "Duh da de derp de derp da dope de dope..." while someone is speaking.
• assorted namecalling and slurs:
• doucher, fuckwit, douchebag, asshat, cuntbag, fucktard, quivering pile of douche, faggot, fuckface, bootlip, Hootie, and shouting 'Run, Trayvon....RUN!!"
• urge to punctuate statement with flatulence
• urge to quote Bible verses at people
• urge to tell someone, regarding an ill-behaved child: "Put that thing on a leash!"
• urge to kick small dogs
• urge to end sentences with "SELAH", or "So mote it be."